


Let Me Know

by RogersBlueEyes



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Brian is just plain lost, Eventual Smut, Freddie is perfection, Internalized Homophobia, John is a lover in waiting, M/M, Roger is sweet and sad and needs his friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29156829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogersBlueEyes/pseuds/RogersBlueEyes
Summary: Brian and Roger have broken up and John and Freddie try to help the drummer him pick up the pieces of his life butBrian is having second thoughts about the break up and doesn't reckon with John's affection for their drummer"I've been a fool, Fred. What the fuck was I thinking?" Brian was packing away his guitar and looking over at Roger who was having a smoke and chatting to some roadies."Ya, think?' Fred shook his head. For an extremely smart, educated young man,  Brian could be unbelievably stupid. "So your reason for splitting up with him has changed?' The singer raised an eyebrow."No, I guess not." Brian scoffed at himself. He couldn't go back, he knew that. Roger wouldn't put himself through that again. If he loved the blond still he had to let him go now.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 14
Kudos: 25





	1. Boxes

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like this but maybe a bit too dark?  
> This story is not to make Brian sound like a bad person. He loves Roger and is just confused about his feelings.

"Where do you want this box, Rog?" John's voice seemed to come from inside the large cardboard box that he was carrying as Roger couldn't see his face.

"Oh, anywhere." Roger answered listlessly. He hated moving and now they had more money he had more stuff and it was all too much.

It just hit him that he had never lived on his own before. He'd gone from his parents to a dorm at Uni to sharing with Fred and then Brian and now alone. Alone. It sounded great to some people. No bathroom to share. No kitchen duties. But Roger just saw it as being lonely. Ever since he and Brian had broken up he had realised he had to get his own flat.

Was it a bad break up? Not really. Ju8st a slow erosion of trust and intimacy that ended up in Fred helping him find a flat and John helping him move.

Brian was bringing some more things in the van. They had remained friends. Back to their original relationship. Band mates. No hostility. Neither liked confrontation. But the writing had been on the wall for Fred and John as spectators and of course Roger and Brian were the last to know.

Scratch that, the blond drummer thought. I was the last to know. Roger sighed and looked at the unmarked boxes, wondering what was in them. Did he really have that much stuff?

"Rog?" John was standing beside his friend as the drummer looked out of the window. His flat had a balcony that looked over Kensington Park. It was an expensive one bedroom but he could afford it.

"Thanks, Deaky." Roger looked over his shoulder at his friend. Deaky was the best. He had much more patience for his crap than anyone else and it made Roger wonder why, sometimes.

"I'm happy to help you unpack or do you want to just go to the pub for lunch and finish it later?" John always got it. He was a mind reader sometimes.

Roger nodded and smiled. Right this moment he felt okay but he knew as soon as John had gone and he closed the flat door and locked it for the night that he would break down. He felt as if he was fraying around the edges already. Like a photograph that someone has put a match to. He would just disappear amongst the unpacked boxes. All that was left of his relationship with Brian May.

"It's a nice flat, love." Brian still called him that. Roger was his love and always would be but that didn't prevent them breaking up. Brian had come to the conclusion before Roger had and it hurt him to have to say it, finally.

"Yeah, Fred helped me choose it." Of course, Brian knew that but Roger didn't know what else to say to fill the void. Thank God, John stuck around was shifting boxes into corners. Brian just looked like a tall, helpless person and the drummer just wished he would go. His own arms ached to wrap themselves around the tall, lean form and have his head kissed and be told everything was alright. But that would never, ever happen again.

"Looks expensive but secure." Brian had told Fred to make sure the flat was in a safe area but now that they had money from their third album renting in a good part of London was easy.

It crossed Roger's mind that he'd feel more secure being safely in bed at night with the guitarist but he pushed it away and picking up his jacket nodded at John that he was ready to go.

Brian almost asked if he could join them but realised Roger had to make his plans without him. It was difficult for Brian to admit he had to let go. He'd told the blond to call if he needed anything. Of course, he wouldn't. They had broken up.

John watched out of the corner of his eye the little vignette that was being played out. He knew months ago that this was going to happen and even confronted Brian with it. But the guitarist had been on the defensive. Had denied he was cheating on Roger and even suggested that John was trying to break them up because he had feelings for the drummer.

John had rolled his eyes. He did have feelings for Roger but he wanted his happiness and if Brian was going to break his heart he meant to stop it but it didn't stop and he wondered if Brian even felt any guilt.

Brian was about to say something but he caught John's look and turned away. John had called it right months ago and Brian had been too stubborn to listen to him. If he had stopped then he and Roger would probably still be together. Or would they? His having and affair with a groupie was just a symptom of what was happening. Brian didn't want to be in a gay relationship. He didn't like the secrecy and most of all he wanted something else for himself. A family. Children. Eventually.

"Call me, if..." Brian stopped feeling John's eyes on him and he stopped. Call me if you need anything? Roger needed his world back the way it was. 

"Fuck." John hadn't meant to da it and when Brian glared at him he pretended he'd lost his lighter and mumbled something of checking the kitchen. He couldn't let on that Brian's sudden concern about Roger was way too late.

"Rog, do you want me to stay tonight?' John and Roger had both felt better after a couple of pints and a sandwich. The drummer was about to say no but then thought better of it. He'd bought a sofa bed amongst all his new purchases and it stood in the middle of the living room by itself, wrapped in plastic.

"Yeah, that would be great, Deaky." He gave John one of his charming smiles. He wished it was natural and maybe one day it would be but he didn't have to fake anything for John who just nodded and fished a small knife from the tool box he'd brought and cut off the plastic covering.

"I think the bedding is in that really big box." Roger sighed but couldn't even make a move to look because suddenly he was sitting on the floor, sobbing his heart out, his hands over his face.

"What am I going to do, Deaky?" He gulped and felt John's arm around his shoulder.

"We'll get through it, Rog. Me and Fred will get you through it. I promise." John said gently. This was the first real sign of Roger's despair. He'd been seemingly matter of a fact the last few weeks but now the full picture was in front of him and it was each shatteringly real. Fred had warned John that this would happen. Roger had been holding his emotions inside. Trying to make out he didn't care or it wasn't affecting him but the singer knew him too well.

Queen was due to go on a European tour in a few weeks. Roger and Brian had always shared a room and now Roger realised he would be on his own. He hated that but what alternative was there? Fred and John usually shared because they got along well but then Fred suggested the three of them could get an adjoining suite and then Roger would have company. Brian had overheard the conversation and felt a pang of remorse. More things were affected by the break up

The concert in Amsterdam was sold out. Part of their performance was for Brian to walk quickly over to the drum riser when they were playing Liar and Roger would tilt his head back as if in response. It was so much like the blond did when they had made love and he was in the throes of passion that Brian wondered if the drummer would still do it. The scene had been one that seemed so intimate to them on stage but now they were no longer together?

Brian shook his hair back and on queue ran over to the drum riser. But this time, rather than Roger meeting his eyes and smirking, his head was already tilted back as he bashed out the drums, his fingers twirling the drumsticks and that sexy, saintly look on his face. Brian felt a definite ache in his heart and wondered again if really he had made the worse mistake of his life.

John.

I'd give anything for Roger not to go through this. Anyone can see that Brian knows he's been an ass but is it better now than a year more? I want to be selfish and tell him I love him. Tell him it will be alright and he will get over it because I will make sure he does. But we all have to go through the pain. Roger's problem is that he loves too much and breaks too fast and is probably never going to learn to not show his heart so quickly. 

It's been a couple of weeks now. I'm glad I stayed over the first couple of nights to help Rog unpack and get his flat looking more like a home. I know a couple of times during the night Rog looked into the living room to make sure I was there. I didn't let on but I felt glad that I'd stayed. We didn't talk about Brian or anything about the last year. I want Rog to look forward and not back.

Freddie has been great and managed to spend as much time as he could with his 'Roggie.' Fred's always had a soft spot for him. I think Fred knows how much I care about Roger, too but in a different way. He told me the other day to let happen and not wish too much in advance which I understood to mean he knows.

Sharing a suite had worked. The two connecting bedrooms each had two double beds so Roger could share with one of them if he felt like it. They were in Amsterdam for four days and traveled back and forth to the further out cities.They'd travelled together and had meals together and Brian and Roger had made an effort and everything on the surface seemed normal. But it was Fred and John that saw Roger's red rimmed eyes in the morning and kept him from brooding alone by taking him shopping and checking out the city.

Brian's room was down the hall and he did join them all sometimes and John could tell he was curious who Roger had decided to share with but it was more who shared with Roger. John and Roger would chat about anything and nothing before they went to sleep a few feet away from one another. Roger had no idea that John hoped that one day they wouldn't be so far away. But the bassist could wait. Roger was worth it.

"I"m afraid of going back to the flat, Deaks." Roger had said one night before they fell asleep. John had leaned on his elbow and waited.

"Not of the flat, I mean. I don't know what I mean." The blond shook his head. Yeah, he did. There was a dark cloud descending on him in London. He didn't like being alone.

"Why don't you come and stay with me and Fred for a few days. Go back gradually. Would that work?" John always had a practical solution.

"Yeah, that would work. Would Fred mind?" 

"No, of course not. He always says how much he missed you." That was the truth. Fred did say life wasn't boring with Roger in the flat. 

"Okay. Cool. Night, Deaks." 

"Night, Rog." John smiled and lay down again. He had wanted to say "I love you. Don't worry about anything.' But he couldn't and didn't. Maybe, one day.

"I've been a fool, Fred. What the fuck was I thinking?" Brian was packing away his guitar and looking over at Roger who was having a smoke and chatting to some roadies. 

"Ya, think?' Fred shook his head. For an extremely smart, educated young man, Brian could be unbelievably stupid. "So your reason for splitting up with him has changed?' The singer raised and eyebrow.

"No, I guess not." Brian scoffed at himself. He couldn't go back, he knew that. Roger wouldn't put himself through that again. If he still loved the blond he had to let him go now. 

"Rog is going to stay with me and Deaky for a week or two." Fred didn't expect an answer to his statement but Brian's look of guilt was enough.

Brian had gone to see his therapist. He hadn't held anything back. The older woman had listened and taken a few notes. She just let the handsome, guitarist talk and talk. He was thinking back to the day he had moved in with Roger. How they had picked the flat out together. How happy they were with very little furniture and just being alone with each other. They could shower together and make love in the kitchen if they had wanted. No one to see or hear them. It had been perfect. Perfect for months in fact. Until, Brian's doubts had crept in. 

"I should have talked to Roger. Not just pulled the rug out from under him." Brian looked at the therapist who was nodding and listening. Brian knew the answer. He'd just given it to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Being back in the flat with John and Freddie felt like going back in time. The tiny kitchen that seemed so cosy and warm. The way you couldn't use the toaster and kettle at the same time or everything fused. The mismatched kitchen chairs and the one with the wobbly leg. He breathed in the scent of of it all as if he was a child going back home.

"What ya thinking?" John came up behind him and asked softly. It was so nice having Roger back. Nostalgia had gotten to him, too. He really was sorry that it had worked out for Brian and Roger because he genuinely cared for Roger's happiness. But things changed sometimes over night.

"That it's nice to be back. Comforting, I guess." Roger turned and smiled at the bassist. There was something comforting about John, really. Not the same as Brian who was physically comforting when he needed it. It was something different from Deaky but he couldn't let himself lean on anyone again. His trust had been blown for the time being. He just hoped it would come back.

"You really don't mind sharing, Rog?" John asked a question that he already knew the answer to. Roger never liked sleeping on his own. He had a tendency to sleep walk when he was really tired and John had always kept a watchful eye out for him the same way Brian had later. 

"No." Roger smiled and shook his head. Their beds were only a couple of feet apart. The third bedroom that had been Brian's was used as storage now and it would have been nearly impossible to find a place for everything. Besides, he liked John being there. He took his mind off things. 

Roger leaned on his elbow and looked across at the bassist. He wanted to tell him something that was important to him but he couldn't get the words out. He fell back on the pillow and sighed. His hands felt cold and he tucked them inside his arm pits to warm up. 

"Cold?" John got up and reached into the closet for a neatly folded blanket. He unfolded it and placed it carefully over the blond.'That should help." He nodded and got back into bed.

"Thanks, Deaky. For everything, yeah?" Roger turned his head on the pillow. "I feel like such a prat." 

"Hey, we've been friends a long time." John said softly and took a chance by leaning over and stretching his hand out to the blond who did the same and for a few seconds they held hands before saying goodnight.

"Deaky?' Roger sat up and decided to take a chance. "Can I sleep with you? Just tonight?" He asked softly and he heard John pull the covers back on his single bed.

"That can be arranged." The bassist said softly and was a little surprised about how quickly his new sleeping partner joined him.

"Being a total prat again." Roger whispered and closed his eyes. They were just a few inches apart. John smelled of soap and shampoo and just Deaky. The drummer had never appreciated his friend so much as now.

It was John's turn to go shopping with Fred but all he did was push the cart around Safeways on Kensington High Street and try to pay attention to what the singer was saying. But the bassist couldn't get his mind off Roger and how he had got into his bed last night. He'd liked it more than he cared to admit but knew he couldn't take advantage of the situation.

Freddie kept glancing over at John who had stopped mid aisle and was blocking the other shoppers. He grabbed the end of the cart and apologised to a couple of older women but even then John wasn't aware.

"Deaks, what's up?" Freddie frowned at him and the brunette looked up questioningly. 

"Huh?" 

"You. What's wrong?" Freddie was getting frustrated. Having Roger and Brian walking around avoiding one another was bad enough but now John out in la la land?

"Oh, sorry." John looked around trying to show an interest. "We need some of those chocolate biscuits that Rog likes." He mumbled but Freddie had reached into the cart and pulled two packs of biscuits out and waved them at him.

"Oh." John said again and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I was miles away." He blew out his cheeks. 

"Look, after this let's hit Tattersalls for a drink, yeah?' The singer didn't want to be unkind. The bassist obviously was going through something but the older musician wished the three would stop acting like teenage girls.

Brian had been given 'homework' by the therapist. He needed to keep a journal which was something he hated. Roger had been good at keeping a diary and they would laugh at some of his observations when he read bits out. Thinking about those times made the guitarist sad. The therapist had asked him if he wanted to eventually have a relationship with Roger again but he hadn't known how to answer and they had moved on to another topic. 

The worse part for Brian was seeing so much of Roger without having any intimate moments with him. He really hadn't thought what splitting up would mean. That it was final. He couldn't get the look of heartbreak in the drummers blue eyes. The way he had first smiled as if Brian was joking and then how he'd backed away from him. It was as if he could pinpoint his lover's heart snapping in two and as each word cut the blond more Brian had felt unable to stop.

It was the usual 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit that he had heard from girlfriends of the past breaking up with him. Did everyone use that line? The guitarist shook his head sending brown curls dancing around his face and remembered Roger running his fingers though them and tutting that he need tidying up but it just an excuse to kiss him. Brian felt tow enormous tears run dow his cheeks remembering that simple gesture.

That was the other big problem. Brian hand't exactly run out and got himself a girlfriend. The only body he wanted next to him in bed was Roger's. He could imagine still the feeling of his soft, smooth skin under his fingertips. The way he arched his back when they made love. It made his groin ache thinking about the hours in bed and Roger's raspy voice after sex. The way his half closed blue eyes would look at him as if Brian was all he needed to be happy.

Brian picked up a pen and started to write and kept writing till his fingers ached.

Roger felt as if he was feeling better one minute but not the next. Why did it have to physically hurt so much? He looked at his watch and thought he should go for a long walk but just the thought of maybe bumping into Brian without John or Fred with him was scary. There was that word again. Scary. He was too old to feeling like a kid but he alternated between hatred of the guitarist and loving him still and that did scare him. What if it never ended? He could see himself jumping off the Chelsea bridge except he hated cold water. 

Later, after shopping Fred had pulled John into the pub and surrounded by carrier bags they sipped their pints. They'd picked a good time after the lunch rush and had the place to themselves, practically. 

"So, how long have you been in love with Roger, Deaky?" Fred asked and had to smack John on the back as he chocked on his beer.

"What?" John looked at the older musician in horror. "How..?" 

"Oh, fuck." The dark haired singer shook his head. "One year, two years?' He was persistent.

"More." John nodded and sighed and stared inside his beer. "How did you know?" He frowned and sat back trying to remember if he'd brought his smokes.

"Since day one?" Freddie glanced at the door half expecting Roger to walk in. 

"Yeah. I guess. Does it matter?" John sounded sullen and the singer felt sorry for him.

"It's okay, Deaky. Really." He squeezed the younger man's shoulder.

"No, not really." John squeezed his eyes shut. "I hate seeing him so unhappy." He shook his head. "I'm so angry with Brian for doing this."He looked at the singer who nodded his understanding.

"We have to get along together, John. Eventually it's going to get better.' Freddie felt as if he was channeling his own mother. Little bits of wisdom fore every occasion. 

"You know, Rog use to seem to me to be completely different than he is now." John was almost talking to himself but the older musician was listening. "He was always so self assured and confident and sometimes obnoxious and then other times." John looked at Fred for understanding.

"I know. He's an enigma, I think the word is." Fred chuckled. "He needs you and me right now and time to get back to himself. he did get a bit lost in Brian's personality. He bended himself to be what Brian wanted." Freddie mused.

"Fuck. That worked. Not." John burst out, a real look of anger on his face.

"Oh, Deaks. You've got it bad." Fred leaned back and looked at the bassist. He could see he and Roger together. It would work. Brian was too overpowering for Roger but John genuinely cared about him even if that meant he couldn't have him.

When they got back to the flat with he groceries they found a note from Roger on the kitchen table saying he'd gone for a walk and wouldn't be long. John hald the piece of paper and stared at it before looking out of the living room window. It looked like it was going to rain so Roger probably wouldn't be too long. He went back to the kitchen and put the two packs of chocolate biscuits in the top cupboard for the drummer to find before unpacking the rest of the items.

Roger had ended up going south towards the river and walking along the Chelsea embankment for a few minutes. He really wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings and trying not to think about Brian and the break up. His idea was to think up a new song. One he and John could do together. John wasn't really a singer but he could carry a tune and was good on the harmonies. Thinking about John made him feel better. He reminded him of himself a few years ago. He wished he could get that back 

"Rog?" Brian stopped dead. he'd nearly bumped into the younger man. His boyfriend. His lover. 

"Oh, hi." Roger felt the colour drain from his face. "Just going for a walk. Writing a song." He explained and frowned.

"Can I walk a bit with you?" Brian asked politely and the drummer looking both ways finally nodded.

"We should talk, love." Brian said softly.

"Don't call me that." Roger stopped and looked at the taller man. 

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Rog." Brian lifted his hands and dropped them. "I just want us to be able to talk, yeah?" 

"Like the last talk? You made yourself clear, Brian. You don't want to be 'gay'." Roger suddenly felt stronger than earlier and said he had to get home. He left the taller musician by himself and made himself not look back till he got home to the flat.

"Sounds like Rog." Fred remarked as he heard the flat door open and close. "In here, oh blond one." He called out.

"Rog, what's wrong?' John got up from the table and went over to his friend who was white and shaking with the cold and had his arms crossed against his chest. He put his arms around the blond and held him close while Fred watched.

"Fuck." The singer said under his breath. He knew Roger must have seen or spoken to Brian. That wasn't normal shaking from the cold. The singer reached for the brandy and half filled three mugs and added sugar and hot water, all the time John still had his arms around the drummer who was just staring at the wall.

"Come on." Fred nodded towards the living room with the his fingers through the three mugs. It was going to be an emotional evening, he could tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you like the story so far. It's the only way I know I'm on the right track. Thanks for reading it!


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